Simon Cowell says he’s seen a ghost – is he losing his powers?,Draw near, heritage buffs, for occasional series Over Overlords, wherein we consider the necromancers of yesteryear and inquire: where are they now? Our subject this week is the man once known here as the Karaoke Sauron, given how aptly the description of the Lord of the Rings antagonist in his second age applied to him at the time. “Not yet wholly evil,” as Tolkien observed, though disturbingly adept at “corrupting other minds … He made himself a great king in the midst of the earth, and was at first well-seeming and just and his rule was of benefit to all men in their needs of the body; for he made them rich, whoso would serve him. But those who would not were driven into the waste places …”He is, of course, X Factor supremo Simon Cowell, whose transatlantic dominance seemed assured, whose floated plans included things such as buying ITV or establishing a permanent home for The X Factor in Las Vegas, and whose political endorsement was feverishly courted by leaders of both main political parties. Back then, Cowell’s ascent seemed so unstoppable that most extrapolations assumed his 2015 Judges’ Houses round of the show would come from his property on Pennsylvania Avenue. (Some things never change, though: a naked Sinitta would still emerge from the Lewinsky pantry of the Oval Office wrapped in strategically placed bits of constitution. It’s like Simon says: keep your friends close, but your former fiancees closer.)
Anyway, as it has turned out, this week’s big X Factor push is instead a confected story about a haunting at the venue for Simon’s Judges’ Houses – or Judges’ Short-Lets, as it might be more accurately known, this one being a rather indifferent-looking chateau in the Loire valley that was presumably going cheap on LateMansions.com. According to reports, cast and crew sensed a “ghostly presence” during their sojourn there. As the Sun has it, “Cowell’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman said she did not want to be left alone in the 15th-century chateau.” (Unlikely to be a problem, given Cowell never goes anywhere without at least three former girlfriends to form a human shield between him and his current amour.)Where once he would have kept above this sort of flim-flam, allowing minions to plant the tale, Cowell now finds himself obliged to pony up quotes to support the story. “I know,” he says of the phantom phantom. “I saw it.” Indeed, he adds: “I did have a ghost in my house once and I do think it was a friendly ghost. I was living in a house and the bedroom door was open and every night you would hear ‘knock-knock’. I was thinking, ‘There has to be a reason’, but there wasn’t, so I am convinced it was a ghost.”
Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains – however improbable – must be the truth. Or, to give that dictum its X Factor spin: once you have eliminated One Direction, whatever remains – however Matt Cardle – must be pop’s next superstar.
Still, a needily pushed story about a pretend ghost. This is where we find ourselves. Could Cowell’s powers be any more diminished? This is the equivalent of Voldemort having to be carried around in Professor Quirrell’s turban, because his strength is simply not sufficient to support a body of his own. And so with Cowell, who once bestrode light entertainment like a lifts-wearing colossus, but whose show is now consistently out-rated by Strictly and heading towards a situation where dead-eyed culture secretary John Whittingdale decrees market failure is so complete that the BBC is formally obliged to relinquish the dancing and make The X Factor instead.
You can judge how bad a show’s predicament is by the calibre of its supposed white knights, and nothing lays The X Factor’s relative weakness more painfully bare than the repeated suggestions that it could be saved by the return of Louis Walsh. Louis Walsh! He’s the cavalry in this scenario, the plucky band of one, the deus ex machina. Or deus X machina, to keep it on-brand.
At least, he is the way he tells it. Whenever he is asked – and frequently when he isn’t – Louis hints that he is “in talks” about a possible return. Lost in Showbiz is beginning to picture X Factor 2017, which will feature Louis giving his occasionally coherent view on whichever act has just performed, only to turn around, unwrap his turban, and allow the hideously pale visage of Cowell to hiss: “Look, it bored me.” That is one highly likely scenario. After all, Cowell’s corporeal form is already becoming one of the ersatz cover versions that made him – even his current beard was first performed by George Michael.
Failing that, Simon does have recourse to another Louis. To wit, Louis Tomlinson of One Direction, who were themselves formed on The X Factor. According to ever-more insistent reports, Louis T is to be given a permanent berth on next year’s X Factor panel – and it must be said that this does feel where we’re really headed. The only remotely unknowable thing about One Direction has always been the pact they signed with Cowell, whose desperation to save his show will eventually force him to collect on the deal by creating a judging panel comprising the four members of his multi-million viewer-harnessing creation. That’s where this ends. That is the only way out. That is the eponymous one direction.
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